So I came across this video today and I'm SO glad that I did!

Coming back to London after two months of spending nearly every day outdoors and in the nature nearly killed me.
I met a guy last week called Leon by the canal in Camden and we agreed that London is for people who want to work hard, play hard, generally push themselves and become even harder.
However, this much hardness actually broke me some time ago and made me soft like a yellow egg yolk, much softer than I was a couple of years ago, when this lifestyle was still new to me, when the excitement of living in a new place was still feeding into my soul and the challenges making me stronger by the day.
Man, these last 4 years in London have felt like.. 8 years.. really. It was a fantastic place to choose to come to after graduating from high school in Estonia, since this was the first time I had the opportunity and the freedom to become the person I am today. London has tested every single area of my life and I think if I managed to survive London without completely losing my shit, which I nearly did several times but that's another book to write, I am pretty sure I will survive anywhere, ha!

Today, I still love London and all it's magic, but I cannot help but suffer, ache and moan to myself about the constant 'have to succeed in speed' vibe hovering above London. The other day I realised I hadn't spent a single day at home on my own since I had arrived to London two weeks ago.. and I'm an introvert!=D So when I finally took some time off, to do my nails, catch up with some stuff and just generally chill.the.fuck.out, I couldn't ignore the underlying feeling of.. pressure. Feeling like I had to be doing something.. anything.. that would create success, open new doors for me or at least bring in some money! God!

Now, that is simply too much. For me, staying in London without a mission is pure mental. Before, I had university and prior to that I was bouncing around and discovering a new place with a smile on my face. But there is only so much one can learn by staying in the same place for long periods of time and I think I can see the circle finishing. London is an incredible city to live in but only if you are going all in. It's simply not a place to chill and I feel like I have worked hard enough to finally deserve a bit more of that smiling sunshine in my life.

Also, it's not surprising but a little bit sad that finishing university didn't feel special. I actually received a 1st, that means cum laude (in Estonian standards), and I just fucking don't feel a thing. Sure, it was an amaaaazing day when I found out and I felt very proud, but now I realise that going to university was simply an extension of a comfort zone, which has left me, well, with more knowledge but generally still empty handed AND a truly strange transitional period to be in. That gap between university and a career, something I have no intention of starting yet, but which makes me feel like I am living my life wrong. It makes me feel like if I don't go to do masters degree now and start a career tomorrow then I am going to fail my life.

Clearly, that is not the case and I realise that if I stay here for another winter, I will just lose myself and forget what I wanted my life to be like - different. Sure, it's my own problem having set up all these high expectations for myself, to succeed, to make a great career, but I know for a fact that if I was anywhere else than a city, I would feel much more relaxed about reaching my goals, in it's own time, in it's own way, I know because I experience it every time I leave London, haha. They say if you wanna do something you gotta do it straight away.. but isn't that the problem? There is way too much to do! I wanna do everything, not just one thing, but TEN THOUSAND things!! I wanna dive, surf, climb, jump, dance and most of all just..
PLAY and have a good time!=)

Isn't that what life is about?

Thoughts from Madrid, 22/8/16

As someone interested in writing, I am often watching people. That means placing different individuals in imaginary stereotyped boxes and trying to make sense of different groups of people, which later helps me to create believable characters in my stories. 

However, last summer 2015 in Estonia, I came across an interesting specimen, Nicolas, a poet and a traveller, who I was struggling to make sense of. I had never met anyone like him before or even if I had, they didn't quite give off the same vibe as he did.

What made him special was the way he was unable to explain where exactly he was from or where he belonged. You see, he was from everywhere. Since that time I have magically started coming across many other people alike - people who have spent the last 20 years travelling, to an extent where some of them 'Haven't stayed in one place longer than 6 months in the last decade.' 

I realise now that the last 4 years in London were just the beginning, that when my friend Phil tried to empathise with my now seemingly meaningless identity crisis (too Estonian to be English and too English to be Estonian), he was probably thinking about a similar concept, how there are no cultural boundaries to our identity. 

This reminds me that all my life, I have been a loner, like a fox - quietly keeping an eye on stuff, getting along with everybody, but never really belonging anywhere. But perhaps that is something that makes a traveller, well, traveller? Ability to cruise along, through different groups and countries, without becoming too attached to places and people.. That said, I don't want you to think I'm disloyal, no, once I befriend someone, they're stuck with me for life. 

Also, it's quite funny thinking back now how four years ago when I first arrived in London, I genuinely felt like I would want to spend the rest of my life here..

I'm glad I outgrew such scary thought. 

So yeah, this is how it begins, yet another adventure, far out from the norms set out by the superficial society we live in.